I have found solace, comfort and peace.

Unless you have walked in my shoes you cannot know what it is like to be the child of alcoholics. You cannot know what it is like to feel abandoned; to have your mother abandon you in alcohol after promising repeatedly not to. To feel shame; to be afraid to have your friends over to your house, because you don’t know what to expect from one day to the other.

You cannot know what it is like to live most of your life feeling inadequate; to have no self worth, to have to please everyone in order to get them to like you.

You cannot know what it is like to feel unloved and therefore unloveable, to scream into your head:

"Mommy, why don't you love me?"

You cannot know what it is like to have to control your body, your voice, and sometimes even your breathing to survive. To stuff your feelings down to the point where you don’t even know what they are anymore, to never allow yourself to cry. You cannot know what it is like to revert to imaginary friends to keep you safe. To love by “Don’t see, don’t tell” rules. You don’t know what is like to hate your mother and feel guilty at the same time.

Fortunately, I have found a group that has walked in my shoes: Adult Children of Alcoholics. In this group, I have found solace, comfort and peace and the ability to work through my issues at the age of 77.